BOY TIPS: 10 WAYS TO TELL IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS CHEATING ON YOU (NSFW)

A handy guide for bros so you can sniff out whether your GF is cheating and stuff.

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HER VAGINA FEELS FUNNY

Vaginas, for the most part, always look, feel and taste the same. Like your favourite cup, pillow or side of the couch, you always know when somebody else has stuck their penis inside them.

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SHE’S ALWAYS SENDING TEXT MESSAGES

You have two close friends and they both live with you. Your sister hates you and both your parents are dead. I’m pretty sure you’re not texting your therapist at 1am, Miss cheaty pants.

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SHE KEEPS TALKING ABOUT MEN OF OTHER RACES

How comes you compliment every race under the sun, but you never have anything nice to say about me? Then again, Ryan Gosling is pretty fucking handsome for a white guy.

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SHE LOOKS SAD WHEN YOU’RE HAVING SEX

Nothing makes a woman sadder than knowing she could be getting better sex from somebody who isn’t her boyfriend. She looks at you, sees kids, a mortgage and most importantly, some kind of a future. Which is why it sucks that you can’t make her orgasm like the loser who sleeps on a different couch every week and calls himself a (freelance) ‘social media expert’ because he has 482 followers on twitter.

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SHE KISSES YOU DIFFERENTLY BECAUSE SHE’S THINKING ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE

When we kiss, you usually roll your tongue anti-clockwise. Sometimes it even hits the roof of my mouth. To be honest, you’re pretty fucking blahzay about the whole thing. But, now your eyes are closed and you’re making this weird-sexy slurpy noise that sounds like a cat going down a slide at a water park. Plus you’re rubbing the back of my neck like I’m Richard Gere and you’re a frustrated housewife from the 90s. When did you start enjoying making out with me so much?

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SHE SUDDENLY LEARNS HOW TO GIVE BLOW JOBS

After months of telling her how to hold, rub, kiss and spit on your penis, she still hasn’t clocked on that she has absolutely no idea how to pleasure you orally. It’s your fault though bro, you’re not forceful enough. You’re too timid to watch porn with her and show her how it’s done. Which is a shame, because the other guy she’s been sucking off had no problems doing any of that suff.

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HER FRIENDS HATE YOU

There’s two types of girls in this world: ones that get on with other girls and ones that don’t. If your girl likes hangin with other girls, then she’s gonna want her friends to be as excited about the relationship as she is. If they don’t feel you, then you may as well give up now. They’ll do anything to make her sleep with other boys they feel are more handsome, wealthy and virile than you. Like they say ‘pressure busts pipes’ and her pussy is about to get busted by someone whose pipe is longer than yours. Burn!

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SHE STARTS DANCING LIKE A STRIPPER DURING FOREPLAY

Sure, everyone on Tumblr is twerkin to old Ludacris songs, but isn’t it a little odd that Harriet from New Hampshire is droppin it low like she’s auditioning for Players Club 2? Wise up buddy, someone’s been teaching her some new tricks.

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SHE STOPS PUTTING UP WITH YOUR BULLSHIT

How long do you think you can go on not washing the dishes, hoovering the house or cleaning the bath? Bill sees her once a week, he puts on his Mr Perfect hat and bangs away all her troubles. Bill isn’t just banging your girl, he’s highlighting the fact that you’re a lazy fuck-up when it comes to housework. Fuck you very much, Bill.

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SHE STARTS ASKING YOU TO ROUGH HER UP DURING SEX

She didn’t realise how much she liked aggressive men until nine months into your relationship.  Now some other guy is filling all the sexual holes you avoided because you’re too hung up on work to care. She thought your good job and sense of humour would be enough to keep her interested – turns out she doesn’t give a fuck about what you had for lunch or how annoying your boss is. Grab her by the neck and call her a cunt. Maybe even spit on her. She’s got a taste for it now, so somebody’s gotta do it, right?

- Donald Crunk

Date: 02/10/2012

Author: pretty real

Category: FEATURED / SEX

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Tags: boy tips / boys