BOY TIPS: HOW TO SPOT A NAUGHTY GIRL
A girl gives you boys a bunch of tips on how to spot a drug, sex & food-crazed naughty girl.
Ever wondered what happened to that girl from uni who used to be out every night and asked you back home so she could steal your drugs and have sex to some Minor Threat record?
Well, she’s sat at home writing a blog about how boring she’s become.
Some girls have husbands and babies and real jobs and have to be responsible. And yes, that’s a part of growing up, but when you don’t have husbands and babies and real jobs, you think:
I’M NOT A GROWN UP YET! WHY THE FUCK DO I NEED TO ACT LIKE ONE?!
I’ve spent the past couple of years cutting down on my intake of fun to produce the girl you see today. I thought that if I acted good, I would get a man and be really healthy and have lots of money and would be happier – but, I’ve just become boring with none of the other good stuff that I expected to be part of the deal.
Here’s how to spot the replies of a bad girl (like me), who’s trying desperately hard to be good:
Boy: “Wanna go in on some coke?”
Girl: “No, I don’t really take drugs anymore, have a good night!”
If the girl puts an emphasis on ‘really’ and ‘anymore’, then that’s the cue to push a little harder, because the little coke devil on her shoulder is bigger and meaner than the straight-edge angel, which means somebody is gonna get their ass kicked. Basically, she’ll be doing bumps off the edge of your foreskin before you know it.
THE AFTER PARTY
Boy: “Hey, do you and your friend wanna stay at mine tonight?”
Her: “Nahhh, I’m seeing someone. We’ve only been together for like 3 weeks but um… no”
She made sure you knew it wasn’t a big deal by telling you how long she’d been with him. She wanted to seem good, but this is your cue to tell her ’3 weeks? That’s not seeing someone, you’re still technically single, so don’t feel bad,lets have some fun!”
THE APARTMENT AFTER THE SEX
Boy: ”Wanna order a pizza?”
Her: “I’m on a diet. Can we go out and get some sushi or something?”
You’ve both just had sex and are in bed feeling pretty cosy. What guy wants to get dressed and go out to eat sushi? Tell her something dumb, but totally believable like ‘ The sex and all the dancing we did at the party burnt off lots of calories, so this is like THE perfect time to eat a pizza’. If the sex was good, she’ll lap that shit up. Nobody really wants sushi after sex, anyways. That was just her way of trying to sound like a bitch who gives a shit about her weight (which she does, obviously).
So, guys, when you hear these answers please grab the girl in question and stuff her full of coke, penis and pizza. She’ll realise that having a little bit of naughtiness is more fun than sitting at home, wondering what recipe she needs to learn to impress a man into thinking she’s a good housewife.
Author: pretty real