GIRL TIPS: HOW TO MAKE BOYS FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU (NSFW)
When I was at school, an older boy told me I was the ‘most beautiful thing’ he’d ever seen. If I remember that day correctly, I blushed like a tomato, ran home to write some gay shit in my diary and went to bed with the biggest smile on my face. I may have even masturbated over him a little, that night. Unfortunately, that same boy ended up stalking me for the rest of the year, made my life a misery and convinced me that I had to commit suicide, if I ever wanted to experience ‘true happiness’.
That probably doesn’t sound like much fun, but that experience taught me how to wrap the majority of average, to above-average looking boys, around my little finger.
Considering I got dumped this week, you may be questioning if I’m the best person to approach this topic, and in all honesty, I’m probably not, but WHATEVER.
Nothing makes a boy more lustful than an unavailable girl. You gotta dangle your pussy in front of them like a carrot, then yank it away before they get a chance to rub their cock in it. To all the girls reading this, think about those expensive shoes you want, but can’t afford. They’re the best shoes in the entire fucking world, right? But can you still go to the store, try them on and feel like a pretty bitch for 15 minutes? Of course you can! Thats what you gotta do to guys, make them feel like a pretty bitch. You’re the expensive shoe they can’t afford. So do enough to reel em in, then pretend you don’t like them. Miss their calls, ignore their texts and don’t poke them back on Facebook. It’ll drive them nuts, but they’ll love it. Oh, but don’t forget to sleep with them at some point, you don’t want them to get bored and go fuck someone else.
BE SMART AND FUNNY
I guess this is the part where you have to have a personality. One thing you have to remember is that boys don’t like to be outdone. You can be that ‘smart funny’ girl up to a certain point, but there’s an invisible barrier you can’t exceed, otherwise they’ll feel intimidated. And when guys get intimidated, their penis shrivels up. Its so fucking true, its happened to me plenty of times. Guys can laugh girls straight into the sack, but it doesn’t work the other way round. Throw the odd anecdote at him every now and then, just so he remembers how intelligent and witty you are. He’ll love it, I promise. Again, balance!
BE A WHORE AND A HOUSEWIFE
This is like the Beyonce of making guys fall for you. EVERY guy wants this. Even if you don’t do any of the first two, as long as you please him in the bedroom and are great at ‘womanly duties’, like cooking and cleaning, then that penis is yours. Well, sort of. Like anything in life, too much of a good thing will make him complacent, so try and mix it up. Sometimes you have to be the girl who isn’t going to cook, clean or rub his salty jizz on your boobies. Not tonight, buddy. Sorry.
He’s a king. He has a big dick. You love the way he walks. Nobody does what he does. Guys love it when you’re vocal about how great they are. Even if it is a lie.
DON’T MAKE HIM DO BORING THINGS THAT HE DOESN’T WANT TO DO
You may think that taking him to the theatre or to some boring art exhibition is a great way for you to ‘connect’, but it’s not. He’s a grown man, he knows what he likes. If he was interested in going, he would have suggested it. So stop trying to mould him into something he’s not and go find some girlfriends to do stuff with.
IMPRESS HIS FRIENDS
Meeting his best friends is basically like a long job interview. They’re assessing you, weighing up all your pros and cons and seeing if you’re good enough to date their friend. If you fuck up, then his friends will do their best to convince him to trade you in for a newer model. Lame, but true. So, this is where you throw that ‘smarty funny’ thing up to 12 and impress them with all your jokes about anal sex. Actually, don’t do that. No jokes about anal sex. That’s never a good thing. And don’t try and be ‘one of the bros’ – because, well, you’re not, are ya? Oh and don’t fuck any of his friends. That was never a good thing, either.
Nobody likes a bi-polar bitch who flips out over insignificant shit. Just chill, it’s probably not that serious, anyways.
Author: pretty real