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THE FOUR WORST THINGS ABOUT ADELE

Adele is adored by many for singing songs about love and stuff, but this guy really wants her to STFU.  Here are four reasons why.

 

HER VOICE

Now, before you get the music police on me, I do not doubt for one second that Adele can sing. The girl is fucking insane, anyone can hear that. She has the lungs of a 30 year old soul singer who’s gone through so much pain, that singing has become their only therapy. Sort of like Jennifer Hudson in Dreamgirls. Adele is a good singer, I’ll give her that, but her normal voice, that bastardized cockney drawl? Yes, Adele. We fucking get it. You went from nuffink to sumfink. Woop di fucking doo. But how many people out there drag themselves up from nothing and create a good sustainable life for themselves? A WHOLE FUCKING LOT. I’m not saying she should lose the grotesque accent, but don’t exacerbate it to make yourself look cool.

SOMEONE LIKE YOU

Adele is bitching about how her ex-boyfriend was so incredible and that she’ll never find someone like him again. BITCH, YOU MAD? HE LEFT YOU. I don’t really blame him, but even so, what message are you sending out to your demographic? The irritating insecure girls who listen to you when they want a pick me up at their time of need, are being indoctrinated by you to hate themselves further and change themselves for whatever idiot that trots by. Not only are the lyrics to this song insufferable, but if I hear it belted out by one more person who thinks they can sing, blood will spill.

NAMING YOUR ALBUMS AFTER THE AGE YOU WERE WHEN YOU RELEASED THEM

What are you? A single cell amoeba? Jesus, even my 9 year-old brother could come up with better album titles. I understand that Adele’s whole schtick is that she’s young, but she sings like an old woman. Therefore, naming her albums by her age reinforces how amazing she is. But, it really doesn’t. It just shows us how deadly uncreative 40 year old balding record executives are and how idiotic the public is for falling for it.

VOCAL HAEMORRHAGING

What does this mean? I hope it means that her vocal chords have swollen up so much that they have flown out of her mouth, thus rendering her a mute for eternity. Why does she get to have an illness that doesn’t really exist? It’s not as if she’s aggressively touring and singing. It’s the radio and the retards who have bought her music that I blame; continuously playing it at a loud volume on their iPods, polluting the atmosphere with her inane ramblings of ‘pavements’ and ‘rolling around’. This just shows you that Adele is a pussy. Work is work, babes. Think about the idiots who have paid good money to go to your gigs. At least if they see your show, it will stop them from bitching on Facebook about how you destroyed their lives because you cancelled a concert.

- Alex Babahmadi

Date: 05/01/2012

Author: pretty real

Category: FEATURED / MUSIC

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